As my readers know, we females in the Diva family are seriously outnumbered. We are, in fact, limited to myself and the dog. So frou-frou, pink things and other such girly nonsense aren't really factors in our everyday lives.
Which may explain my bizarre attraction to the TLC show "Toddlers and Tiaras".
It's sort of like watching a horrible car accident. You want to turn away. You know you shouldn't stare. But you just.can't.stop.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a pageant hater. I've watched Miss America since I was a kid. I've even seen girls blossom in a pageant system.
But T&T? There's just something so...wrong.
For each episode, TLC follows three families through a pageant experience. David is a parent who, by his own admission "lives for pageants". His darling two year old daughter, Ava, is a contestant, and David blogs about the pageants for TLC.
It's really not my intent to pass judgment on these parents, but seriously? At TWO, Ava "loves this scene"? In one episode, David says that his little girl is "learning such great life skills, like blowing kisses and waving".
Pardon me while I pick my jaw up off the floor.
Blowing kisses and waving?
I've done and reviewed a few resumes in my day, and I can't say that those would be high on my list of desirable life skills for anyone BEYOND the age of two.
Last night I watched as toddlers pranced and danced onstage in skimpy little costumes. I saw preschoolers and kindergartners with spray tans, hairpieces and flippers (weird little fake teeth to make their often holey smiles more "uniform" and "pretty"). It was all rather frightening.
And then there were the tantrums.
It was actually pretty funny. Three year olds throwing tantrums because they didn't want to go onstage. And the parents, apparently surprised by this behavior, trying to REASON with them.
I don't know about you, but The Manimal has an average of fifty-seven tantrums a day.
Okay. Maybe not FIFTY-SEVEN. But you get the idea.
He's three. That's his JOB.
If I ever got a wild hair to enter him in a pageant (and yes, the boys do compete), he'd probably be thrilled, because it would provide an audience for his tantrums.
And yet somehow, these pageant parents don't think that three year olds have tantrums at the most inopportune times.
On top of the high drama, there is the cash. Apparently, the fees for these pageants can run into hundreds of dollars per event. There are families who compete regularly, racking up thousands of dollars in entry fees, hoping that their child will win.
My favorite had to be the episode where the little girl was so excited to win the grand prize of $1000.
She wanted to buy a cow.
Maybe she wanted to raise it to enter the Moo-ss America Pageant?